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the renegade bride

the wild, wacky adventures of a bridal industry insider +newlywed + new homeowner and (in practice)renovation-maven. Whee!

Tag Archives: worstcasescenariodriac

I’ve talked a lot about being 30, and you probably think I have some complex. I don’t really, to be honest, I looked forward to turning 30. I think women in their 30s and 40s look amazing– they have grown into their features, they know themselves, they know what they want out of life and how to get it (or so I’ve imagined). The issue with being 30 and not engaged is that it  seems like you have some mark of unused, spoiling flesh or something. I have some things set in my mind, like how I think we should enjoy being married a few years before we embark on project PARENTHOOD!, but if we wait too long to get married i might pass on the genetic code of an old, decrepit lady. My FFI is younger than I am (yeah, i’m a cradle robber, sue me!!) and he boasts some pretty impressive genes: full head of hair, robust youthfulness, energy, enthusiasm for life, not prone to eat at 5 pm like i am because i’m basically geratric compared to him.

True story: He was helping me at a wedding once where one of the ladies asked if he was my SON. Not my boyfriend, not my little fling, not even my brother, but my son. I’m not that much older than him (3 freaking years people!) but apparently I look old enough that I can be called Mommy. By him. The experience was awful– I had to fight back tears and then have developed a “I’m thirty and I’m old as dirt!” complex, so thanks, Lady. You know who you are. I still have nightmares about you.

Anyway, so I keep thinking that this is my timeline:

30: Please God, let me get engaged before my 31st birthday.

32: June 11,2011 get married. I’ll be a fresh 32, so hopefully I’ll look like Jennifer Garner at 32. Besides I plan to do an entire year of hard core pilates and skin care treatments that make me look young and glowing. I’ll also pledge to drink a gallon of water a day (gross) and eat crap with antioxidants and even stomach those disgusting Omega III pills. If it weren’t for a natural, glowing beauty then healthiness would be totally out of the cards for me.

32-34 enjoy the bliss of newlyweds

35: give birth to our child with little to no “you waited too long to have babies” health defects. Like, an extra nose– that’s totally going to be my kid. People will talk. They’ll be like “wow, she waited til she was 35 to have that kid and now, he’s got an extra nose and his skin is an odd color. Weird. Did you hear that she didn’t get engaged to her serious BF of two + years til 31?! I know, so tragic…”

Poor kid, but I’m like a hypocondriac of worst-case scenarios. What would you call that– worstcasescenariodriac? I totally imagine the worst, it keeps me up thinking about it, all of the “what’s the worst thing that could happen.” I’m not kidding when i say that i always have the worst that could happen, happen.

ANYWAY, so looks like i’m going to be having a multi-nosed kid. Actually, FFI is going to start rethinking this whole engagement thing to an old lady and find someone younger with better genetic code and naturally toned abs. Damn you, imaginary woman that is going to steal away my younger, wonderful boyfriend. Damn you!!!


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